see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
