I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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