I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
...so i touched it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
