if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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