The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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