I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
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STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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