I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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