I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
