I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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