On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
