life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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