Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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