She is in my trunk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
