1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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