so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
