I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
