don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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