Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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