words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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