I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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