god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
