got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
