dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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