so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
