she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
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Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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