just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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