My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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