Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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