"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
