I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?