I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
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New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!