Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back