Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
