she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
