I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
