My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
