I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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