i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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