I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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