i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
