happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Bring me that man meat
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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