I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
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40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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