Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
