not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
