the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
