There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
