I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
