In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
