I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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