i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He felt like a one man threesome
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
