i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
sex in a hospital.. check
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
