my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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