i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
