I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
