new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
