Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
