Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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