Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
